remember that i mentioned before that my father was admitted to IJN?
he passed away a day after he was discharged.
more like, he passed on 7th Sept midnight. he was discharged on the 5th.
i was in the mood to blog at that time. almost every day. but then, his last moment came without even saying any goodbye and he left us. so smooth, so fast, so bloody conflicting for me who had to see it, who also hoping that whatever happened at the last moments that day was actually an ease for him. which made me so frustrated but so at ease that Allah knows more about whats best for him and for me.
still tho. it's bloody hard. so effing hard. i missed him so much. the whole family missed him. we care too much about him, i think even more than our own that it's so hard to pretend that everything will be as usual. yes, we're moving on. but the emptiness that he won't be around anymore?
that's just so hard.
grieving is tough. why nobody mentioned that? i experienced it before when my mother passed away but i was only 12. but to grieve as an adult? hard. very very hard.
it's tough being alone. your mind wandered to a dangerous place. that feeling of emptiness is a dangerous thing. but i need to tough up myself. i need to move on. my father left with a grin. like "hey, i leave first. meet you all later, but not now". his face was so relax. unlike the last moment he had with us, where we were all so panic, so not calm, but seeing him lifeless but with a smile, who are we to say "come back"? that last grin was a moment that it is time for us to let go.
i wonder that if he left while saying an expected last words to us, will that be okay? will that be better? but Allah makes the best decision. i guess maybe the way he left us makes us realize that we love him more than we thought. i loved my father the most in the world, but maybe now i realize the love is way beyond than i expected.
oh Ayah, i missed you so much.
you were a very nice person throughout your life. strangers know you for the first time, and they can't forget you after that. you gave good memories to many people and i hope you know that.
oh my heart. be a good Muslim. be a good child. be a good adult. stand up for what's right. my parents always let me having my own fun, never limit my own potential, never stop my interest.
i thought i can't end this post with a smile, but i did.
i thank you all for reading.
Othman bin Ithnin. you were a kind man, a funny one. the joy to many people. and we will always remember the memories.
Al-Fatihah.
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