The Last Grin

Hi. i'm back.

remember that i mentioned before that my father was admitted to IJN? 

he passed away a day after he was discharged. 

more like, he passed on 7th Sept midnight. he was discharged on the 5th. 

i was in the mood to blog at that time. almost every day. but then, his last moment came without even saying any goodbye and he left us. so smooth, so fast, so bloody conflicting for me who had to see it, who also hoping that whatever happened at the last moments that day was actually an ease for him. which made me so frustrated but so at ease that Allah knows more about whats best for him and for me. 

still tho. it's bloody hard. so effing hard. i missed him so much. the whole family missed him. we care too much about him, i think even more than our own that it's so hard to pretend that everything will be as usual. yes, we're moving on. but the emptiness that he won't be around anymore?

that's just so hard.

grieving is tough. why nobody mentioned that? i experienced it before when my mother passed away but i was only 12. but to grieve as an adult? hard. very very hard.

it's tough being alone. your mind wandered to a dangerous place. that feeling of emptiness is a dangerous thing. but i need to tough up myself. i need to move on. my father left with a grin. like "hey, i leave first. meet you all later, but not now". his face was so relax. unlike the last moment he had with us, where we were all so panic, so not calm, but seeing him lifeless but with a smile, who are we to say "come back"? that last grin was a moment that it is time for us to let go. 

i wonder that if he left while saying an expected last words to us, will that be okay? will that be better? but Allah makes the best decision. i guess maybe the way he left us makes us realize that we love him more than we thought. i loved my father the most in the world, but maybe now i realize the love is way beyond than i expected.

oh Ayah, i missed you so much.

you were a very nice person throughout your life. strangers know you for the first time, and they can't forget you after that. you gave good memories to many people and i hope you know that. 

oh my heart. be a good Muslim. be a good child. be a good adult. stand up for what's right. my parents always let me having my own fun, never limit my own potential, never stop my interest.

i thought i can't end this post with a smile, but i did. 

i thank you all for reading.

Othman bin Ithnin. you were a kind man, a funny one. the joy to many people. and we will always remember the memories. 

Al-Fatihah.

4th Sept 2026 Rant

Hi. 

my father finally discharged from IJN today. Alhamdulillah! 

tho some sad updates: his heart is like 36% working now and his kidney is like borderline almost dialysis-stage. still tho, he's well and that's what matters most. he needs to monitor his water intake to only 1L per day only. 

it's actually hard for me right now to accept this news. but i have to remain like everything is normal. i just need to pray very very hard that Allah will let us borrow him longer than we wish. 

for now, he is here and i'll wish for nothing but more memories with him. 

so in another news, i got my blood tests result. i did mentioned before that i would do some blood test on Thursday the 4th Sept, and so i did. i used the RM50 package by Klinik Dr Prevent at Kota Kemuning. so the doctor took my blood, my urine and also did ultrasound to check my kidney. my kidney is okay and my urine is ok. apparently, the blood test showed that i have low hemoglobin. i have mild anemia. also, i have a slightly higher cholesterol LDL. so i need to eat more oats, lean red meat, more red bayam. and also more cardiovascular exercise. you might see me windowshop more after this. i need to reach 10k per day and windowshop is my briskwalk. 

i did not expect the mild anemia. but maybe that's the reason why i was fatigue. 

so after my father got discharged from IJN, i brought Alena and Alda to Lalaport and Lot 10. had Kagura ramen at Lot 10 and bought some food at Don Donki. then we went to Lalaport and i end giving Alena an early birthday gift: an ATEEZ's album. luckily the album is not expensive as during my time. i feel like i cannot disappoint another fangirl as i was also a fangirl before. but wow, there really wasn't any TVXQ or Super Junior's merch there. wow wow. 

and that is all. 

thank you for reading. 

3rd Sept 2026 post.

Hi. 

so i'm in my blogging mood. i blame the new keyboard for this tablet. 

so what happened after the last post, which was like 2 days ago? 

so my father got warded in IJN cos he has pleural effusion. i'm too lazy to google the right term but that's what he has now. his heart got weak so his heart didn't pump the blood properly and that affected his kidney. and kidney pushed the water into his lungs instead. so he was wheezing the last few days. the doctor wants to monitor him in the next 3 days so got warded la. 

so i took EL and had to take care of him last night. taking care of sick people in their critical stage is so so exhausting. but no matter, all for the healing stages. 

another news is that i will have a new boss who replaced my bestie colleague. and that person hates me. so yeah, i'm gonna be like the calmest person in the room for the next few months. we'll see how she's leading my workplace cos she cannot even lead her own committee and now she wants to lead another person's committee cos she thinks our committee is not doing well. or whatever. she sucks. badly. 

so now i'm at TRX, at Boucake Japanese Cafe. quite expensive but i choose cravings than being kemut. so yeah, bye bye RM70+++. and you know what, i have blood test tomorrow. 

oh. i ordered the Lunch Set which cost RM40 and also their famous souffle pancake,which is like RM34. ha ha. biorla mahal. asalkan happy. 

ok Wagyu Spaghetti Meatball dah sampai. 

ok makan dulu. bye bye. kalau rajin i tambah lagi. 

(continue)

ok i'm back. i had the one i craved the most, the Pancake. and it was huge!! i had to ask Alisa to come fast cos i don't think i can finish it alone and i also ordered the pasta. 

HUGE!

and yummsss. better eat it with another person tho. i was contemplating to takeaway or not, but as someone who hates to waste food, i requested the shop to pack it, together with the chocolate and also the banana pieces. they said okayyy. how nice. 

Alisa wasn't in a good mood as the PR firm for the place she had to collab with got upset with her for something unnecessary. and she got mad cos she talked in malay with the customers. erm yeah, this is at TRX, but still..... nak racist ke tew??? 

you know, work has not been fun this year. which is quite sad when the majority in it are so bloody nice. but hey, if the higher management being like devil, we just have to swallow and hope that we won't ever work directly with these people. 

ok now.

see you when i'm in the mood again.

1st Sept 2026 random post

Hi.

I'm blogging on a whim. 

My nail is broken, just to let you know. it's painful. a pain in the finger kind-of-pain. tbh it's not great. but we move on. 

i just bought a new keyboard for my tablet. this is a second one cos the first one was broken. it happened when i couldn't clicked the T. and so it broke, and i threw it away and bought this cute pink one. the previous one was a white, with colourful blinking lights. thought that function is useless. 

i dunno who will read this, but who cares. maybe my current and future employees will check. in case they wanna check my background or to find out my secret or something. 

the only secret they'll get is that i read adult mangas and webtoons. and why is that? cos i'm an adult. a wise and a fun adult who has her own hobby. just cos i'm single, doesn't mean i don't care about sex even though it's an illustration kind. 

anyway, life has not been okay, work-wise. my boss/work bestie got demoted to clean other department's shit. bravo to those who decide that and replace her with someone that is still wet behind the ears. i like the new boss but i need someone to look up to, not someone that i had to assist when his salary is way higher than me. he should support me, and not the other way round. but employers, right? they think they know better than us. 

...should've ask our opinion instead of relying on one person's word. i mean, we worked with our hands, not our mouths. so better come and check instead of rely on someone else's words. 

so that's one thing. 

i just notice that my healing process is by laughing, and not the kind that 'go to nature' kind of healing. i mean, the weather is hot and i want a place to cool me down instead of making me the responsible one. i had fun during the Tok Bak Family Day at Melaka last weekend. so so fun. i laughed so hard. good vibes all around. i know my relatives better. i had so many prejudice but during the event, i found out that some of them are so nice and i'm the evil one to even think badly about them. that's why we need more of this family day again. so that we can have fun, love while we still can. 

oh i baked the Chrissy Teigen's Banana Choc Cake.

still sedap giler.

ok now i dunno what to type. 

bye then. 

good night!